sampung buwan

Minsan pala, okey din ang maging ma-pride. Sa unang banda, napapatunayan mo na mahal mo pala ang sarili mo. Ikalawa, napipigilan mo ang sarili mong gumawa ng mga hakbang na maari mong ikahiya at pagsisihan sa bandang huli. Ikatlo, natututo mong pigilan ang pagbasa ng ibang tao sa iniisip mo at sa nararamdaman mo. Dahil dito, naipaglalaban mo ang sarili mo sa maling pag-iisip na wala kang karapatang maghangad ng higit na pagpapahalaga kaysa sa natatanggap mo.

***

Tatlong linggo kong pinanghawakan ang sinabi niyang hahanapin niya ako. Ang bawat araw na sumailalim sa tatlong linggong iyon ay katumbas ng sampung buwan na pinagaksayahan namin para mabuo ang nasira naming pagkakaibigan. Nang dumating ang gabi na pinatunayan niyang gusto niya talaga ako ulit makita, pakiramdam ko ay nasaid na ang lahat ng dahilan na pinanggamot ko sa aking pagaagam-agam. Siguro ay dala na rin ng higit-na-kailangang pag-iisip ko sa aming sitwasyon. Ngunit mas gusto kong isipin na binalutan ako ng pride, kaya't nawalan ako ng pakiramdam nang nagparamdam na siya. 

Dalawang oras bago ko siya ulit mahawakan pagkatapos ng dalawang taon, pinapakiramdaman ko ang aking sarili kung masaya ba ako sa mga nangyayari. Maraming tanong ang tumubo sa aking pag-iisip habang hinihintay ko siyang dumating sa harap ng aming bahay: Gusto ko pa ba talaga siyang makita? Kung oo, ano pa ba ang mapapala ko kung patuloy ko siyang kikitain? Kung hindi, bakit ko pa sinubukang hilumin ang sama ng loob na matagal ko nang itinago sa kanya? Bakit pa niya ako gustong makita? Dahil ba gusto niya lang punan ang pagkatigang ko ng dalawang taon? Ano naman ang pakialam niya sa pagkatigang ko? Dahil ba wala lang siyang magawa at gusto niya ng libangan? Kailangan ba naming patunayan sa isa't isa na wala na kaming iba pang nararamdaman sa isa't-isa kundi libog? Nagpuyat ba kami ng sampung buwan sa internet para lamang punan ang kanya-kanyang pisikal na pangangailangan? Sigurado ako sa aking sarili na hindi malaking kawalan sa akin ang kawalan ng kasiping sa loob ng dalawang taon. Sigurado rin ako na hindi lang ako ang nagpapalibog sa kanya mula noong panahong muli kaming nag-usap hanggang sa mga susunod pang araw. Kung ganoon, bakit kailangan pa namin magkita?

Ayokong dumating na naman ako sa puntong gusto ko na naman siyang tanungin kung ano ba talaga ako sa kanya. Sawa na ako sa tanong na iyon. Siguro, kung mayroon man isang bagay na naging malinaw sa akin sa loob ng sampung buwan ay ang kawalan ng posibilidad na mahalin niya ako. Sa sampung buwan na iyon, napatunayan ko rin na bagama't gusto ko pa rin siya, hindi na iyon katulad ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya mula nang maghiwalay kami noon sa Quezon Avenue. May isang bagay pa pala na naunawaan ko sa sampung buwan na iyon: hindi ko na magawang magtiwala sa kanya sapagkat unti-unti nang nawawala ang pagkataong nakilala ko tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagbago sa aming dalawa, ngunit alam ko na mararamdaman ko ang pagbabagong iyon sa oras na magkita kami.

Totoo nga. Malayo na nga ang aming pakikitungo kung ikukumpara noon. Ni hindi na nga namin makuhang matitigan ang isa't-isa. Siguro ay marami na rin kaming tinatago sa nararamdaman namin. Siguro ay masyado na kaming takot na maulit pa ang nangyari noon. Noon kasi, hindi kami natatakot na malaman ang iniisip ng isa't-isa. Noon kasi, hindi kami natatakot na makitang magkasama ng ibang tao. Noon kasi, alam namin ang dahilan ng aming kalungkutan. Noon kasi, kaya naming iparamdam na nandito lang kami para sa isa't-isa. Noon kasi, masaya kaming makasama ang isa't-isa. Noon kasi, hanggang sa huling beses naming magkita, ayaw namin masaktan ang isa't-isa. Kung anuman ang ayaw namin maulit sa mga ito ngayon, hindi ko alam. Kung sa bagay, pwede rin kasi na ang lahat ng inakala ko noon ay hindi pala totoo, at ang katotohanang ayaw kong tanggapin ay unti-unti ko nang nakikita ngayon, dahil umiiwas na ako ngayon sa aking pangangarap tungkol sa kahahantungan namin. 

Normal lang naman siguro na magbago kami. Kung hindi man dulot ng mga pinagdaanan namin noon, maari rin na dala ito ng pag-iiba ng direksyon ng aming buhay: direskyon na pinapalakad namin sa magkaibang hantungan; direksyon na maaring hindi na nagugustuhan ng isa't-isa; direksyon na lumalabo nang mag-ugnay. Wala naman sigurong masama kung dumating ang oras na hindi na namin kakailanganin na magkita pa. Tumatakbo ang panahon at hindi naman talaga maiiwasan kung magkasawaan kami. Ngunit kung dumating na ang pagkakataon na hindi na namin talaga makilala ang isa't-isa dahil sa sarili naming pagbabago, sana ay maiwan man lamang ang respeto namin sa isa't-isa. 

pride

If this won't happen now, it will never happen again.

Grow

Grown-ups are too afraid to take responsibility, to accept the burden, to handle the truth. It seems that the more one grows old, the more one becomes afraid of the world; The more one becomes afraid of the world, the more one confuses selfishness to self-protection; The more one becomes selfish, the more one forgets his or her existence in a society; The more one forgets his or her existence in a society, the more one's living becomes self-defeating. 

Grown-ups are too proud of themselves, despite not exactly knowing why. I do not understand how can they still be proud of themselves if they even refuse to handle the truth. They might be proud of their gross pay, their investments, their ability to survive their little real world. However, I would like to think that grown-ups survive through burying the truth and not by letting them known.

I have grown, but I am not grown-up. 

hot air

it's in my throat, it's in my ears

like a cigarette smoke inhaled

going deeper in my chest

rising in my throat

warming my cheeks

whistling out of my ears.

but i'm helpless, 

have to say goodbye,

have to be happy 

and wish them well.

bear in mind

that you must think first before saying anything stupid

that you are 23, not 13, neither 53

that you can make unamiginable things happen

that you may only be too cynical about the world

making things cool

let go of events, just make it happen. stop planning ahead, don't assume you can control everything around you.. including yourself.

step forward when life already presents you an avenue. don't make your own path, like you completely know what you want to do with your life. make things happen as they are. keep it cool. never pre-empt. do not hesitate to move on and let go of your inhibitions.

how exciting can it get when you just wake up one morning to realize that fate has delivered you out of your current work and has given you a brand-new promising career?

how sweet it is to wake up one morning from a goodmorning kiss by someone whom you spend the night with?

anything can happen. you are just 23. another year is anxiously waiting for your consumption... and another year... and another. before you know it, you have achieved everything you wanted in your life. and you will treasure all these things you worked hard for.

by the way, don't forget to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how beautiful you are.

Monologue

Dahil walang pwedeng kausapin ngayong mga oras na ito at kailangan ko ng kausap bago ako mawalan ng bait sa sarili.

Nakakainis.

Mga 3 oras lang ang nakalipas, kasama ko si bestfriend Jeff sa Market Market. Napabili ako ng bag nang wala sa oras dahil bigla na lang napigtas ang bag ko na isang linggo pa lang ang buhay.

Nang nakapila naman ako pauwi sa fx, tinignan ko lang ang celphone ko para malaman ang oras. Nilagay ko sa bulsa ko at sumakay ako ng fx. Habang naglalakad sa looban, nalaman kong wala na pala akong celphone.

Ganun-ganoon lang yon. Hindi ko alam kung paano nawala: kung nalaglag sa fx o kinuha ng katabi ko sa bulsa ko, o sinalisihan ako ng isang pasahero nung pasakay na kami ng fx. Basta pag-uwi ko dito, putol na ang linya ng celphone ko.

Tatanga-tanga nga daw ako eh. Dahil wala pang isang taon ang telepono ko, winala ko na naman. Pang-apat na beses ko na ito na nawawalan ng telepono. Noong una, nalaglag talaga sa fx yung 3310, dahil tulog ako sa byahe papuntang Espana. Pangalawa, isang buwan pa lang un 6300, nasnatch sa harapan ko. Pangatlo, pinalibutan ako ng anim na lalaki para makuha lang nila yung D500 ko. Tapos, U600 ko naman ngayon. Siguro yung una't pangalawa, tatanga-tanga talaga ako noon. Dahil natulog ako sa fx, at dahil nagtext ako sa jeep kaya nasnatch. Pero yung pangatlo at pang-apat, hindi na yun siguro dulot ng katangahan ko. Siguro manhid lang talaga ako sa mga masasamang intensyon ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. Pero hindi ako tatanga-tanga dahil iniingatan ko naman talaga, pero nakukuha pa rin sa akin siguro dahil mukha akong hindi manlalaban. Ang mabigat doon sa D500 at U600, hindi ko sila pinakita sa maraming tao pero nakuha pa rin.. at pera ko na ang pinambili ko doon, at hindi madaling kumita ng pera. Kaya hindi rin dapat sabihin ng mga magulang ko na hindi ako nag-iingat. Marami lang talagang masasamang tao sa paligid.

Bibili na naman ako bukas dahil umaasa akong tatawag sa akin yung mga inapplyan ko ng trabaho. Tsk, bunot na naman sa savings nang walang kalaban-laban.

Tapos may report pa ako sa Friday. Kaya nga ako nasa Market Market ay para magkape at magbasa ng mga librong kukunan ko ng reference para dun sa report ko, tapos ganito pa ang mangyayari. Naku. Sana yung kumuha ng celphone ko, kailangang-kailangan niya talaga ng pera at may pagagamitan siya nito nang may mas makabuluhan na bagay. Ganoon na lang, para maintindihan ko sila. Mahirap man sabihin, pero sige, bigay na yon.

Paghinto

Nakikinita-kita ko na.

Sisentang araw mula ngayon, sa isang gabing kagaya nito, tatagos ang aking paningin sa mga makukulay na cariñosa na maglilipana sa harap ng mga banyagang bisita. Hawak ang malamig na alak sa kaliwa at sigarilyo sa kanan, tahimik akong makikiisa sa madla at makikitalon sa paghudyat ng pagbuhos ng pera. Lingid sa kaalaman ng lahat, iyon na ang huling gabing makakapiling ko sila - at hindi na ito kailanman madudugtungan dulot ng pakiusap sa pagmamakaawa ng mga ganid na iilan.

Kailangan hindi ako magsisi. Hindi ba't wala naman akong pagsisisihan dahil ako ay nahapo na? Hindi ba't hindi ko man lamang makukuhang lumingon sa daanang aking tinahak, kahit ba nagsusunuran sa aking mga yapak ang ibang nangangahas? Wala akong dapat pagsisihan. Umakyat ako nang walang hinihila paibaba, tinanggap ko ang malulupit na hamon sa aking pagkabata, hinarap ko ang bawat multong gumugunaw sa aking sarili, at higit sa lahat, winasak ko ang kahong nagkukulong ng pag-asa sa mga taong katulad ko.

Oras na para pihitin ang gripo ng kasakiman na sumusuka ng dugo's kayamanan, na siyang dumadaloy sa malalim na sisidlang matagal nang naguumapaw.

Divestment

He's back and he wants me back.

Men, especially those in authority, do not easily pull out investments... first, they would deny making unwise decisions in the past... second, they would refuse to believe they invested for nothing.

I told him, I don't see why we should.

"You're hurting me."

I don't think so. Your ego might be hurting you.

I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind.

Try divesting your attention to someone worthy.

- better yet, profitable.

Do a spin-off: I know you've done it before.

Ysis

His little angel.

The last time I saw him was a year ago, and he was telling me that they broke up. After three serious relationships, it must have been appalling for him to hear that single recurring break-up reason: parents do not like him.

They can't be blamed though. He is a rebellious son since sixteen. Five years ago, all I saw in him was angst culled from his crumbling relationship with his sister and his mom. Last year, I still saw that fire in his eyes when I asked him when was the last time he visited Muntinlupa. Not that he hasn't changed since the first time I saw him. Actually, he even surprised me when he began mentioning God and his new prayer habit. I told him, it's very nice to see him mellow down. He said, he's not getting any younger and he feels like settling down very soon.

And he did. I saw Ysis and I eventually recognize that her eyes is his. There you go. I then realize that he is keeping Ysis' existence from me until now. Maybe he was supposed to tell me about her last year, until I suddenly avoided him (again).

Well, that is because after a series of meeting him, I already saw where things are leading to again. I didn't want him to ask me back like how he did many times before. I couldn't bring him back to me. I didn't know where I hid my love for him, but it appears I hid it well that I couldn't find it anymore. So I disappeared, thinking it will be a wiser decision for the both of us.

It was only when Ysis looked at her shoulder when I realize who her mom is. I saw her before on pictures. She is responsible for bringing him back to life after what happened to us.

It took me more than a moment before finally accepting what I saw. After giving them a long, unnoticed stare, I found myself wishing him happiness, like I never did for a very long time.

Detour

It will happen very soon. Maybe before the end of the year. This discontent is dismantling my spirit that I badly need to give my life an overhaul . And this could take a lot of courage to push through. Maybe I have to close my eyes when taking this huge backseat. It could be because I might regret this detour, for honestly, I still don’t know where to go. Moreover, I am still unsure if I can be ready to turn my back on everything I've already established. But there is something inside me that keeps on burning and it seems it will only cease to eat my soul once I started moving on. Towards where? How? I don't know. Maybe I will never know.

These past couple of years have given me unbelievable rise of career. Many people have been envious of what I've become. I have even inspired people to get off from slumber and start searching from themselves. But at the end of the day, I realize that I'm going nowhere like everybody else. That although not indulging into sleep, I have been fighting against my wanting to rest by pressuring myself to structure a senseless direction that I can't live with. I had desperately wanted to lead the career race at this early stage and I have scored beyond expectations. Thus, I managed to destroy few monsters of social dictates that have been trying to haunt me since the first time I obtained my first place. But being ahead of this so-called competition is not helping me feel like a true winner. In every step of the race, I have become even more doubtful on where I'm going. I have began to wonder if there are peripheral paths less traveled along the way where I can find myself.

I seriously have to conquer my fear of being left behind. I need to gather strength to believe in happy endings again. I have been emotionally fragile for many years now and I have my own reasons for being so. Before I knew it, I have developed this protective shell that kept me from recognizing other people's affection. However, these past few days have made me realize that I should stop bitching around my wounds. Move on, Joyce, before you start killing yourself from loneliness. My best friend tells me that I am even too cold and aloof to be even invited for a movie. Am I? What can I do, this ego is helping me survive the daily harshness of reality. Although lately, my ego has been exposing my sensitivities that I have either become too snappy or too defiant on almost everything. Now I'm getting tired of protecting myself that I am starting to be willing to fall again. Fall with whom? Your guess is as good as mine.

lahat kayo

amang hindi karapat-dapat na mahalin. inang walang ginawa kundi magreklamo sa kanyang buhay. matandang kapatid na walang pinagkatandaan. kapatid na nagpapakamatay sa pera. sintunadong kapitbahay na maingay na kumakanta ng mga pinakapangit na mga kanta. bahay na tinutupok ng mga insekto. trabahong nakakaalipin. kaopisinang nanghihila pabababa. pinakaganid na kumpanyang naninirahan sa pilipinas.

kaya't huwag kang magtaka kung kinukulong ko ang sarili ko. wala akong gustong kasama kundi ang sarili ko. sarili ko lang ang kayang magpahupa ng mga luha ko. sarili ko lang ang may awang sumasagip sa akin mula sa kumunoy. wala na akong tiwala kahit kanino. pare-pareho sila. habang papalayo ako mula sa aking unang hakbang, mas napapatunayan kong pare-pareho sila. magkakaibang mukha, pinanggalingan, kapanganakan, edukasyon at disposisyon, ngunit pare-pareho sila.

Suya

Isang linggong pagtitiis na naman. Isang linggong pagpapanggap na marami akong alam. Isang linggong pagpipiga ng utak na wala naman talagang laman.

Meron pala. Puro reklamo sa kinahihinatnan, alinlangan sa sariling kakayahan, at pagtatanong sa sariili kung gusto ko ba talaga ang direskyon ng buhay na ginuguhit ko.

Isang taon na akong ganito. Pero tinutuloy ko pa rin. Tuloy pa rin ang pangangarap na kaya kong isakatotohanan ang tauhang kathang-isip ko lamang. Ngunit tuloy pa rin ang paghahanap sa sarili, kaya't tuloy pa rin ang pag-aalinlangan.

Pagod na ako sa aking sarili. Gusto ko nang parusahan ang katawan ko nang paulit-ulit. Malimit ko nang pinapaliguan ang sikmura ko ng alak. Dumadalas na rin ang pagudurugo ng aking mga labi dahil sa init ng sigarilyo. Siguro dahil gusto kong maranasan ang mawalan ng malay. Marahil, gusto kong makalimutang huminga. Ayoko nang tumakbo. Ayoko nang mag-alinlangan. Ayoko nang sisihin ang nakaraan. Ayoko nang maghinagpis.

Ipipikit ko na naman ba ang aking mga mata hanggang mag-Martes muli? Ano pa ba ang magagawa ko kundi harapin ang nakatambad na mga demonyo (ng aking sarili).

A Good Laugh

Oh, this is quite nostalgic.

I just discovered that I can still view my polsci grades online even after years of graduating.

I can't help but to smile on how loaded the names of my subjects were.

International Political Systems. Sounds like the highest form that my institutionalism orientation can get. Moreover, this subject bears to a premise that if you take it, you are adequately versed in International Relations. In reality, we were maximizing our artistic aptitude in bordering the most narcissistic news clippings that are not even deserving to be published to begin with.

Intermediate Spanish. Como estas. Haha. Padre Nuestro, que estas en el cielo (?) santificado sea tu nombre (?) Haha. Yo vivo! Haha. Que se llama tu padre?! haha. Interesting subject, fun class, nasty (smelling) teacher. But yeah, I could never claim, even until now, after years barely passing the subject at 2.25, that I know Intermediate Spanish. We danced Macarena though.

Experimental Psychology. In all fairness, the class justifies the subject. However, how could you not be afraid of finishing your post-modern/Marxist/democratic economy xeroxed readings, if the name of your teacher in this class is very sacred. Haha. Good thing, she is also good at scientific explanations, not just on letting us believe the existence of 'indulgencia'. If there's one thing that really made me afraid of her, it's... clairvoyance!

Mathematics of Finance. I barely understood this subject. I used to think that if I seriously know the implications of "maturity date" and "interest rates", I could be ready in the corporate world. Partly true, though. But I never thought I will literally be in a corporate world! I even thought before that I would be a Bayan Muna/Anakbayan member. Or be working at Ibon Foundation.

International Political Economy. This might be one of the last subjects I'll forget. This is my Forrest Gump subject: life is like a box of chocolates... How the hell did I got 1.0, when I was even seriously struggling to understand monetarism?! I love Sir Jim though. He could be a good endorser of Marlboro reds.

Public Policy and Planning. Serious regrets on this subject. Had I known that I will get an MA on this, I could have done more than brood on the cruelty of my prof. I mean, Sir Martin is 'the' practitioner and 'the' silent killer at the same time. I can never forget that sole all-caps comment, which he wrote in red ink in my first paper: VAGUE!

Rational Psychology. It took me a while to identify this subject. But the moment I did, it was "wahahaha!". I was just second year then. I even recall this was the last subject in my T-TH-S class and my eyes were often red because I had a strenuous swimming class during Tuedays at 8am. Why a good laugh? I just began wondering why the class was named as rational psychology? Rational is okay, since the subject is anthropocentric. But 'psychology'? Haha. And the teacher.. I could have never imagined that that teacher, who was just sitting right in front of me (and was even monotonously discussing those nose-bleeding philosophical terms), would be, in just a couple of years afterwards, a very good friend of mine.

Why can this always be so right?

Joyce's Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Joyce's Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that it is imperative that she should find the responsive and understanding relationship she is seeking; she therefore follows up any opportunity which presents itself. However, she maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.

Joyce's Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but is inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.
Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. Indignant and resentful because of these setbacks, but gives way apathetically and makes whatever adjustments are necessary so that she can have peace and quiet.

Joyce's Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

Joyce's Actual Problem
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

Joyce's Actual Problem #2
Intensely critical of the existing conditions which she feels are disorganized or insufficiently clear-cut. Is therefore seeking some solution which will clarify the situation and introduce a more acceptable degree of order and method.

Libro

Sa ikalawang palapag ng makipot kong aklatan makikita ang mga inaalikabok na mga pahinang naglalaman ng nakaraan kong pagkatao. Mga sanaysay na pinag-uugatan ng walang hanggang pagtatalo sa kapihan, mga sulating kumalimot ng aking relihiyon, at ang mga milyung-milyong letra na nagpalabo ng aking mga mata.

Nang pinapinturahan ko ng pink and white ang aking kwarto, kinailangan ko silang gisingin sa kanilang pagkakahimlay para ilipat sa aklatan ni diko na puno naman ng mga akat tungkol sa engineering. Sa loob ng dalawang linggo na nakitira sila doon, alam kong may bumalot na tensyon na namagitan sa dalawang paksyon ng mga babasahing ito. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na kapag natuyo na ang pintura, ibabalik ko sila sa bahay na kanilang kinagisnan.

Ngayon, sa ikalawang palapag ng aking aklatan, ang mga humigit-kumulang na apat na taong mga babasahin ay parang mga batang paslit sa lansangan na pinilit lamang na iluwal sa mundo at ngayo'y pinagkakaitan na ng pagmamahal.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit hindi ko man lang sila makuhang bigyan ng halaga sa mga panahong ito. Sila ang naging ugat ng aking yabang at nagpalakas ng aking pagkatao. Sila ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko matutunang ihinto ang paninigarilyo. Sila ang naging sandalan ko sa mga panahong kinailangan kong patunayan sa maliit kong mundo na magaling akong magsulat at matalino ako.

Siguro nakapaikot na rin sa mga dahilang nabanggit ko kung bakit tila nakalimutan ko na silang mahalin. Hindi ko na kasi kayang ibalik ang pagkataong minsang naging ako. Ang nakakalungkot doon, hindi ko tinalikuran ang pagkataong iyon; kusa siyang humiwalay sa aking katawan. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na siya, ngunit mukhang hindi na siya magpapakita pa sa akin. Siguro, isang araw (o maaaring nakalipas na), darating na lang siya sa harap ko upang kumustahin ang naging bagong takbo ng aking buhay, ngunit posibleng hindi ko na siya makilala na minsang naging ako sa isang maikli at masayang yugto ng aking buhay.

Hindi mo rin dapat sabihin na hindi ko sinusubukang ibalik ang dati kong sarili. Wala akong pinagsisihan sa aking nakaraan at sa pagkuha ko ng kursong political science. Sa katunayan, hindi ko kailanman kayang sukatin ang aking pasasalamat sa mga taong humubog sa aking isipan at nagbigay sa akin ng dahilan para maniwala ako na marunong akong magsulat. Sa katunayan, isang taon na mula noong muli akong bumalik sa pag-aaral para bigyang-halaga ang mga natutunan ko sa pagtatapos ng kursong political science. Ngunit sa kabila ng paulit-ulit na paghahanap, hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang dating ako. Sa halip na makita ang taong puno ng baon na kaalaman mula sa natutunan niya ilang taon lamang ang nakalilipas, nasaksihan ko ang inosenteng bata na tila ba ngayon pa lang pinupunan ng mga simpleng kaalaman.

O siguro dahil ang mga bagay na natutunan ko ngayon ay taliwas sa mga pananaw ng mga naninilaw na librong ito. Dahil sa kasalukuyan, pilit pinababangon ng aking mga bagong kaalaman ang mga istrukturang matagal ko nang pinasabugan ng dinamita.

Truth

"When you eventually have the pleasure of saying the thing you want to say at the moment you’re wanting to say it... remorse eventually follows" (Joe Fox -- You've Got Mail)

Booboos

How can you stop going wrong?

Mistakes are evaluated based on governing rules. It's like taking a checklist out of a catalogue and crossing each item against observed behavior. However, mistakenness are more crucially justified against subjectivity.

Making her stay longer will likely to create more booboos.

Why? According to her observations, her failures are innate and cannot be improved by further training. Well, I think her dislikeness to her are also innate and cannot be improved by giving her more chances to prove herself.

Truth is, she was forced to leave not due to her failure to accord with the rules, but because she failed to make her like her. You can't merely say "just because"; you have to say 'it is because".

Of course, you won't be surprised to know that she was also forced to undertake a pretensious legal exit, to cover up other people's assess that she is not even returning favor with.

***

How can institutions be filled with booboos: booboo actors, booboo arena, booboo lifespan?

Who are the real booboos, by the way? The queen, the minister, or the pawn?

Pawns are purposed to be stupid; if they are not stupid, then they won't be pawns. In fairness to the institutions, it is capable of identifying who should be pawns, ministers and queens. Pawns may be nice people, but they are because they have to. More importantly, they have the least to loose. Who cares if they got out of here? Pawns only horizontally slide and have no chances to crash vertically.

Conversely, queens are queens because they are the smartass; they cannot be there without being one. They might be ministers before; more surprisingly, they were the early pawns, but as I said, they are smartass; they are capable of doing something stupid without a soul figuring out. Unfortunately, a society will most quickly die without them.

My problem with the ministers is that they are petty-bourgeois. Charecteristically, they can be the best social climber in town and the worst power grabbers imagined. They perceive themselves larger than they are. They don't even own anything. So little power for too much opportunism. They are to so-so's. True, they are indeed smarter than the pawns, but they are one hell of airheads. I'd rather admit stupidity and poverty than deny both, despite truthfully having both.

***

So, it's really a management problem. If she is stupid, then the management is so lame that they hire stupid employees. If the other one is a braggart and primadonna that she is too sensitive to encounter the slightest stupidity, then the management must look for applicants that qualify her standards. For the nth time that the braggart have dumped applicants, the worst thing that the management can do is to venture into a shortcut, an easy-way-out solution, which, very unfortunately for me, is to order the only person who can handle that braggart, take an indefinite (and unpaid) double job and take all the consequences of their incompetent management system. Booboos.

Best friend

So you are not sure who your best friend is. You say it's because it's been a while since the last time you saw each other. I say, it's because you refuse to know her. You don't know her just because you've known each other for more than ten years now. You thought you knew her, but you refuse to know her. Too bad, she really tried hard to understand you. Too bad, you really had too many common grounds.

I guess I just erased your uncertainty.

Zero to Zero

"Ang lovelife ko parang Coke... zero." -- a forwarded text.

Brandy and Coke zero.

It may be the first and last time I've witnessed their marriage.

Fifteen minutes after the class started, I found myself in a convenience store with Louie and Jet, surveying the nicest brandy, grabbing four liters of Coke Zero and bagging the unhealthiest chips around.

Well, Jet facilitated the class in absence of Dr. July, while Louie, who happens to be my classmate, just dragged me to play poker with Jet. Poker? What the hell do I know about poker?

I know that Louie thought the idea was hilarious, though he still made a shot. "Jet, bakit hindi mo yayain si Joyce maglaro ng poker?"

Jet was too silent.

"Hindi naman ako naglalaro ng poker. " I tried to laugh.

"Basta, sumama ka samin. Hindi rin nman ako marunong. Topak lang to si Jet, naisipan magyaya ng poker. Jet, turuan mo si Joyce a."

Jet finally said something. "Um, we are going to a very secret spot... Promise me not to tell anyone?"

What? Then I got it, we are invading somebody else's unit, as the owner is still in Tokyo.

So, I met Shaila, Lem, Flats (?), Ian, Tina, Jhong - all faculties, I guess.

What can I say? Jet is such a nice guy. He made sure I wasn't left in the crowd. He did everything to make me comfortable, and I'm quite aware of that. haha!

Then it hit me. He told me why he suddenly came up with this idea: He will be taking his second M.A. in International Political Economy at Nanyang, Singapore, starting 15 July (?). Of course, through full scholarship.

This is really making me laugh until this time. Everything sounds so familiar.

Gravitate

Narrowing sight
Turning back
Rejecting heights
Plunging energy
Closing doors
Shutting down
Escaping fanfares

All came too soon...

Am I too early to gravitate?

I took a bow in glee before a sterning audience fazed, sornful faces
Uncared by puzzled eyes, for a moment I became free
Unabashedly exiting the cold stage of social warmth
I started embrasing myself and felt congratulated.

I was not purposed to justify my unpleasantry,

Nor existed to be starred.

I am simply created to be infinitely scarred

and be intermittently unscarred.

Pangarap2

How could you go wrong with David Cook?!

More than a sexy singer and a well-defined artist, it is a major turn on that he is addicted to crossword puzzle.

Aargh!

That's the type of person who will never receive a 'no' from me for a marriage proposal. Hehe.

postscript

wahaha..

Someone just said: "Hi cuz! How are you na? I miss messing up with Plato." Obviously, I instantly considered that one as a philo matter.

Then I just saw Plato's picture. He's a dog.

:)

Si Pangarap

One word to describe Jet: Haaayyy...

- in all senses of the word.

Was it already eight months since I realized that I like this guy? At the outset, mukha talaga siyang lampang mayabang. Hindi mayabang dahil alam niya cute siya, but mayabang in the sense na "Uhm.. yeah, matalino ako at magsasalita lang ako either kung confused na kayo sa mga arguments nyo or if I want to bitch out someone by throwing a very substantial question." Lampa in a literal sense: hindi marunong maglaba, maglinis, tulog ng tulog, kain ng kain, walang sports...

We worked together twice for our reporting at Political Economy class. I almost killed him when we were preparing the first report, while I felt like he was about to kill me minutes away from our second report. He left his phone DAW on his way to Batangas to spend his weekend and I thought I have given him 700 text messages and 1,000 miscalls just to ask how we will go about the first report. On the day of the second report, I was 20 minutes (?) late in class, as I was rushing from work. I was gasping as I opened the room and saw him trying to start the report while I wasn't there.

But what happened between me hating him and he hating me is the bottom line.

(Don't expect too much on the next thing I'll tell you because it's too pathetic.)

First Report

I was smoking in front of KFC when he came. We actually had a sort of finders keepers inside the campus so we agreed to just meet outside. When he came, he asked for a cigarette and we walked until we found seats at the sheds of McDonald's. It was a long silence before he said, "Prepared ka ba?" I said, "Hindi nga eh."

Yosi... yosi...

"Sorry a, binasa ko yung latest release ng Harry Potter the entire weekend... kagabi lang talaga ako nagstart sa report."

I was trying to laugh, but fuming in reality.

"Gusto mo magpa-extend tayo?"

"Ikaw na magsabi kay Dr. Batalla, mas malakas ka dun." Sabay tawa.

Aaarrrgghhh....

Anyway, we both blurted to Dr. Magno that we can't make it, to the surprise of the class. The "Jet" isn't prepared?!

By the way, Jet graduated Cum Laude in "Poliscy" (as how they call it) at DLSU and he is currently teaching the undergrads and has a very notorious reputation.

He doesn't look notorious though. He looks like a marshmallow suddenly exposed in a glaring light (simply put, autustic na lampa na laging takot).

After the report, we talked about his impression to the class. So sabi ko, mayabang siya. Tapos dinibdib nya yun. He became too worried. It was then I realized that he is such a kid.

Second Report

Not much a problem for him. The report was his forte: Asian Financial Crisis and East Asia Miracle.

He's too excited to report that he was insisting that I go under time for work to meet him and talk about what to do.

He was too excited he even treated me coffee before I knew it.

The report was half disaster, courtesy of my disastrous contributions. I was even trying to make up things that I was the one who was about to go down and return the projector to IMS. Again, before I knew it, he was behind me, insisting to get the projector from me.

Hehehe..

Tapos lagi ko na siyang katabi (or most likely, tinatabihan ko siya) sa pol eco class. Makulit ang walanghiya. Naghahamon lagi ng away sa akin. Enjoy daw ang brown out. Ang bakla ko daw.

So it was just about three months and then... off. The term was over. That was his last term taking the courseworks.

Anyway.

Ayun si Pangarap. Marami pa kaming mga high school moments.

Andyan yung tatawag si Louie two meters sa likod ko, tapos kasama siya dun, tapos iiwan kami ni Louie (or feeling ko lang kaya un?) na nag-uusap sa likod. Pagkatapos tahakin yung buong corridor, tapos na. Bye. Gotta go.

Meron din nagyoyosi kami ni Aaron. Binati namin si Jet na rumaragasa sa daan. Naka-ipod pa na pagkalakas-lakas tapos may hawak na isang matabang folder na puro papers na kailangan checkan. Lumagpas pa siya sa amin, tapos bumalik. Nakatungo. "Ay, magyoyosi din pala ko." Sabay tanong sa amin ng kung ano-ano. Haha.. Labo!

Isa pa. Dinner kami ni Aaron. Nagtext ng sobrang corny na joke na tinextpass nya sa isang daang tao. So para-paraan, I tried to start a conversation:

"Uy, Jet! Kumusta, nag-compre ka na ba?"

"Um, nag-enrol ako. Pero tinamad ako eh. hehehe.. Kakatapos nyo lang ng class kay Dr. Magno?"

"Yup, kaya dinner kami nina Aaron."

"Uy, one time, dinner tayo nina Louie, sama ka naman samin."

Why not??!!!

"Sure, no prob."

Awa ng Diyos, maski fishball, wala pa natutuloy.

So, ayun si Pangarap, hanggang sa pagsubaybay na lang ako ng kanyang development through friendster account nya.

Na siya rin ang nagpagulat sa akin ng maraming beses. Surprise, our profile is like... 60% similar.

Take note, we even have the same age and status.

The difference is, he never had a girlfriend.

Another difference, Jet is a jet setter.

He loves crossing borders and travels alone maybe once every quarter of a year... for fun.

Tsk, si Pangarap...

Achievement Overdose

It's not me. It's them.

Look at these people I am fantasizing every night. Granted that I get easily attracted with smart people, but I never realized that these are overachievers... all of them. Their worlds are too colorful. Their lives are too meaningful. Their existence are too important. Then I feel so useless... a dumbass person at 22 with a life experience of a 12! Yet, I am complaining how saturating this life I created... which is, after all, compared with them... is not even half challenging.

Or maybe it's me... again, as usual.

Maybe this is just another self-pity-themed entry. I can even begin to imagine what my next sentences will be like... I am so beneath their level... I am such a nobody, they are too high above me. haha! Can't help but pull myself down. Problem is, I'm not feeling insecured, nor inspired, nor just happy for them. I feel like killing my fantasies with them, or as if I have to erase their faces in my memory.

Melancholia

We know it's deliberate. You know me too well.

This is excessive self-infliction. No further words can suffice.

Too Much Caffeine?

For the past couple of years, I have been drinking coffee beyond its flavor. I drink coffee to survive the everyday battle I confront with this real world. I drink coffee to drag myself from maturity and deny my youth. More often than not, I feel I have proven myself successfully. How many twenty-two year olds do you know who have been swiftly promoted twice in a multinational firm? How many young college graduates have doubled their gross income in less than two years, apart from those who work at call centers? As my dossage for caffeine has become directly proportional with my increasing professional responsibilities, my yearning for success has also become an addiction.

But this entry is not intended to be filled with self-congratulations. On the contrary, I am writing out of depression, which I have indulged mysef into.

Since time immemorial, I have lived by transcending my parents' expectations -- no, this is an underestimation. I have lived from my self-imposed expectations. I crave to boost my pride, as nobody cares to do it but myself. Yet I am getting tired of competing with my own expectations. I want to stop my productivity, but I don't know how without hating myself. I desperately want to do nothing, to cease moving, to stop smiling... to be a pain in the ass to everyone.

When was the last time I looked forward to the day ahead? I am starting to feel that my oversleeping until eight in the morning and my refusal to sleep at two in the morning are symptoms of a person sick with her own life. I refuse to believe that my day is always a hostage of the corporate world. There is more to life than working ten hours a day. I contend the remaning fourteen hours of my day with oversleeping even when I am already dead tardy, scrubbing myself too long in the bathroom, indulging for a TV primetime marathon unti I kill myself to sleep, and expressing depressing reflections as this.

It is only now that I realize that buying goodies as the best and only gesture I can think of to love myself is not worth the drainage of my entirety, even when I used to perceive that these are substantial forms of "achievements" when I was still a financially struggling student just a few years ago.

So why do I keep going on? Maybe because I have nothing else to do. Maybe I feel that my career is the only valuable that I have.

Hole

There has to be someone to take this role.

And it has to be me.

Weeks from now, before my twenty-third birthday comes, my brother will leave for overseas... and by then, I should have accepted the role of taking care of my ageing parents, maybe for as long as they live . And there is no one to do this but me. I hate to see this as a black hole trying to magnetize my destiny. This is not fate, but my choice. I know it's payback time.

Hiro

I'm okay with Hiro for Valentines. :D

Verge

This thought has been completely formed and a second away from solidification towards a verbal translation:

Have you happened to see him, by any chance?

But the conversation was suddenly over.

Maybe it is fate that is forcing me to push to clean the slate from my paranoia of you.

highschoolish

I am done with my stalker era.

Yet despite pretensions and hesitations, I am blushing again.

Like high school, to another person who can never be mine.

Like high school, I always look around and hope to see him somewhere over the corners of the campus, but to no avail.

Like high school, here is a girl-magnet who doesn't even know how beautiful he is.

Or maybe he does, but does not care.

Like high school, I am still that goody-two-shoes that is overlooked on prom nights.

You can say a teenage dirt-bag.

But now, I am too afraid to even look at him.

I am done with my stalker era.

And may happily crumble in the periphery.

Trust Issues

The past four days have been saturating.

Monday, I was marketing my would-be report to another classmate of mine and we have compromised that she would give way on the article we incidentally both choose to report. To compensate, I suggested a justifiable alternative and we've parted as settled into that issue. After the break, the professor inquired to the class as to who will volunteer for next week. In a split second, that bitch next to my classmate whom I negotiated with, blurted out she will report what I was about to report, without even having any idea what was the article about. The professor, being aware that I am also volunteering, asked what my article afterwards, which caught me in a compelled position to select another article that I still have not read even at this very moment.

Tuesday, I woke up late for work and rushed to get off the house in a clumsy appearance. Luckily, I chose a jeep with five thieves, who had the liberty to conduct their modus operandi of robbing my mobile phone, without them even knowing what it looks like. Add the other three very comforting co-passengers who blamed me for being stupid enough not to figure out the modus operandi, with all their pride of boasting me that they knew such strategy all along.

Wednesday, in the depths of my voluminous work, I received an e-mail to my boss, who has been on sick leave the entire day, as regards to a very irate client who has complained how incompetent and befitting I am to the firm in responding to her moron assistant's query on our supposed to be yearly issuance of a god-knows-what agreement it is that she cannot specify. A very generous paragraph was devoted to an elaboration of how I am such an eye sore in the firm. Being as dense as anyone can get, I have never bitched around even to the most irritating client I have ever encountered. The problem with this primadonna is that she could have been humble enough to talk to an assistant as me so as to clarify what the hell she needs before gamboling over the much disturbed thoughts of my boss.

Thursday, before close of business, I have bumped across a former boss of mine from the same department for some minor client matters we have to settle and have to relay to my current boss. It could have been the easiest day of the week until she asked me to close the door to talk to me privately about how wary the associates are on telling me something about my boss that she should not suppose to know. Little do I know that my boss gossips both confirmed and unconfirmed issues about her or other personalities in the firm with the other lawyers and quotes me as the source. My former boss cited a recent event when my boss is about to accept an application of a reluctant insider applicant as her new assistant, until she learned from me that that assistant has asked me if my boss is the silent type of that former partner, whom I did not even know was my boss's rival. My former boss reprimanded that I could have generalized (and play safe, for that matter) my response to the applicant's query to the extent of not name-dropping her former rival. I told her, I am guilty for being insensitive and ignorant about that issue, but what I did is a blessing anyway, since she is even asking me what to do so as not to be accepted as my boss's assistant. But more than that, I am now beginning to be very skeptical about my professional relationship with my boss, whom I was very comfortable of working with for almost a year already.

The last thing I ever wanted is to be misinterpreted.

For the longest time, I have been struggling to kill my trust issues, especially on relationships to the point of avoiding commitments and even potential romance. But this persisting trust issue has showing impressive signs of crossing the borders of and luring over my career.

I cannot even begin to imagine how this week can get worse by tomorrow.

End

Today marks my sixth year with Quisumbing Torres and I would like to express my appreciation for your patient mentoring the past six years. I could not have obtained anywhere else the experience and training I received as a member of CCPG. But more than the training, I value the relationships with the partners, associates and staff which have been forged these past few years. While remaining with the firm longer would be rewarding, I must inform you that I have decided to resign for health and family reasons. The demands of our practice have caused a degree of stress which has adversely affected my health and the time I need to spend with my family. The decision was difficult but necessary.

In an e-mail which I will send later today, I will inform the MC that I am tendering my resignation. I will be availing of my remaining leave credits (after completion of my current scheduled leave) and be on terminal leave such that the effective date of my resignation will be the 31st of January. This should be ample time to ensure a smooth transition for pending client matters (which are currently being handled by other associates) and to comply with the necessary administrative procedures.

Again, let me express my appreciation for the honor of being part of CCPG these past few
years.

Despite anticipation, I was still surprised that on the first working day of the year (and his sixth year in the office), he resigned. I used to dare him when he keeps on telling me even six months ago that he will be resigning by the end of the year. I was even asking him what is taking him so long to resign. But now, he did. His publicized reason is that he is putting his personal and family life at risk because of the work, and it was too pathetic to hear. Truth is, he has been literally barfing how the firm treats its people for quite some time now.

I will not pretend that I am not going to miss him: his constant bickering especially when under pressure; how his face turns bright red when he is trying to control his stress; his trying-hard-to-be-perfectionist attitude; his attempt to conceal his feelings for me for a year only to be too transparent on his affection in the end.

Yet I feel a great sense of relief. Finally, it is over. However that affair can be called, I am glad that it will not be going further. Before I can no longer control myself, it is best that fate has taken control and has given me this break that I need. Like how things happened in the past, I am pretty sure that it is not only me (beside his wife, for that matter)... and he is one of them. I might be prone to these kinds of people for I instantly find them attractive, but I'm glad that it's the end of it. And I hope this is the last time.