Another 24 hours ago

Another twenty-four hours ago, I was drinking coffee like what I'm doing at this very moment. But last twenty-four hours ago, it was a hundred peso worth of coffee at Metrowalk with a huge crowd caught in a peculiar fortuity.

After the dehydration that the rounds of hard drinks brought us, some of us were compelled to immerse ourselves with coffee to somehow get back our sanity. In the middle of reminiscing the good old days with the not-so-good people that became part of our lives (oh well, it was a tradition for us to take turns in talking about each other's exes), the idea of having a coffee was suddenly brought up by one of the girls that eventually turned out into some sort of debate and creation of factions. For the lovers of coffee, such scene was absurd. Anyway, as more than half of the group was reluctant to spend that much for coffee, I was the most jubilant since my coupon will be showered with stickers. So although the cafe is some hundred meters away from the grill, I was so excited about the stickers that I enjoyed being insensitive with the feelings of this majority for the first time.

The cafe was unusually deserted when we entered. I was ahead of them and was looking for a good seat when I noticed that these creatures at my back was silent and some were whispering my name to get my attention. I looked up and cheered. I saw a couple of our high school friends sitting in front of the place that I was about to get. The rest of their group are not familiar to me, so I thought they were their college friends. To my surprise, one of those college friend got up, turned around to face my direction, bowed his head, almost running as he went out of the cafe, walked a little farther, and had some smoke. It was my first boyfriend. It has been five years since we graduated. It has been five years since the last time I saw him. Gosh, he looks old.

It was a benefit on that very moment that I smoke. My friends got a good reason to leave the place and sit outside instead. I was at the counter when he came back and shyly approached me. I smiled at him to show my recognition.

"Hi Joyce, kumusta?"

"Hey! Okay lang naman ako. Ikaw?"

"Okay naman. Saan ka ngayon?"

"Sa Global City work ko ngayon."

("Okay" is the most harassed word in this planet.)

He extended his hand, stroke my hair, and went down to hold my waist.

What the hell is this? In remembrance of our good old days? Correct me if I'm wrong, but we never even had the closest gesture of affection six years ago.

So as for me, I turned to the counter and ignore him.

I knew he got my message. He said bye and went back to his seat.

From the time I give the coffees to my friends, several awkward minutes of silence passed through us. They were all looking at me to get the assurance I'm alright. After all, it took me three years to recover from him. I'm cool, I told them. And in reality, I am. More than being surprised on seeing him, I was surprise to ask myself on how I fell in love with this person.

In the middle of the group's conversation, my ex's group left the cafe and passed through us for a chat. A funny yet implied group coordination occurred. All of us talked to almost everyone from their group except him. Not really to show vindication, I guess. Our issue went old and died itself a long time ago. It's just that nobody from the group find it significant to talk to him.

But as before, he has this unexplainable guts to intrude all the chats simultaneously happening just to approach me, tickle my waist, and blurt a tease:

"Ang payat mo na ngayon ah!"

"Oo nga eh."

I gave another smile, then turned my back again.

In all honesty, that's all I can say. I wondered why a "thank you" phrase did not even bother to enter my mind.

Isn't that you stopped loving me at the moment I started to love you then, just because I went a lot fatter from the first day you courted me?

Rewinding those instances leaves me laughing at this very moment. I swore to myself soon after we graduated then that the next time I'll see this guy, I will make sure that he will realize like hell that I am such a big loss for him. But yesterday night, I saw a stranger without feeling any need to let him feel it's payback time. And I guess what happened is the best way for us to encounter after all these years.

It could have been a sweeter love story for us if my fatness was not a serious issue for him.

Shit Happens

Some unexpected things are happening but with reasons I am partly responsible. Moments spin as I helplessly watch. My future obscures to give way to someone I cannot even learn to love. I am shamelessly pointing all my fingers at him, while concealing my sick dependence to her, who in turn is sick of being depended upon all her life.

How can I love someone who is not even willing to compromise our differences?

*****

I used to think I can control my future and that surrendering to fate is a matter of scapegoat for lazy creatures. It never occurred to me the possibility of a dead end at this very circumstance. I am being judged by people who do not even care to watch. I am being watched by people who do not have the power to judge.

And for some reason I have yet to figure out, I cannot feel anything anymore.

It could have been from the weariness of living or from numbness on everything.

June 5th

Those born on June 5 are often amazed when others don't understand them. In their own ears, their language is plain and simple, based on fact, pragmatic. Yet their ideas can be intricate, involved and occasionally out of touch with reality; their listeners may manage to follow their train of thought yet fail to ultimately grasp the meaning or intention behind it. Some June 5 people put far too much emphasis on developing ideas and systems of thought, and too little on the natural facts of everyday life.

It is true that many June 5 people seem to live their own world. Yet so important is communication to them that they will be greatly frustrated if misunderstood. Successful people born on this day learn to raise their aggrevation threshold, and at the same time allow people the time and space to take in what they say. Less evolved June 5 people come on in a rush, expecting others to anticipate the next thought of what could only be called an interior monologue. Instead of just vocalizing what's on their mind, they have to learn to chew over ideas and deliver them in a leisurely and measured fashion. For example, instead of using a dozen arguments to support a position, delivering one convincing argument may be far more effective.

As they mature, most June 5 people become more constrained, more measured and thoughtful. If they can get a handle on their energy, then their systematic ways will order their lives as well. If not, then chaos will reign. Those born on this day should never lose their enthusiasm, but simply learn to curb it a bit and accept disappointments and setbacks with steadfastness and composure.

June 5 people have strongly compulsive side that urges them to get things right. Some women born on this day are taken for flakes early in life, but can develop into super-capable people, proving their detractors wrong. Many June 5 people are prone to worry unless every last detail and eventuality is prepared for. "What if?" is a question they constantly ask themselves and others. This worry usually springs from fear that they will be severely criticized for making errors or made to look foolish. If they can lighten up a bit, and occasionally laugh at themselves, they will be happier and healthier.

Most June 5 people are highly competitive and like to win. Though not perfectionists by nature, some born on this day wind up mercilessly driving themselves in that direction, thinking such attitude will help them succeed. Often their own worst enemy, they create difficulties for themselves and others which do not exist. Mental conflicts particularly attract them, but it is more often physical challenges which they must overcome. Anxieties can be avoided by finding satisfaction in activities which balance both mind and body.

Those born on this day must control their impulsive nature, a side of their personality that enhances their attractiveness but can drive others to distraction it brings on trouble. On the good side, the hard knocks that those ruled by the number 5 receive fom life typically will have little lasting effect on them; they recover quickly.

Those born on this day also tend to go heavy on caffeine, nicotine or alcohol when they are so inclined, and should try to moderate their habit or quit altogether.