Another 24 hours ago

Another twenty-four hours ago, I was drinking coffee like what I'm doing at this very moment. But last twenty-four hours ago, it was a hundred peso worth of coffee at Metrowalk with a huge crowd caught in a peculiar fortuity.

After the dehydration that the rounds of hard drinks brought us, some of us were compelled to immerse ourselves with coffee to somehow get back our sanity. In the middle of reminiscing the good old days with the not-so-good people that became part of our lives (oh well, it was a tradition for us to take turns in talking about each other's exes), the idea of having a coffee was suddenly brought up by one of the girls that eventually turned out into some sort of debate and creation of factions. For the lovers of coffee, such scene was absurd. Anyway, as more than half of the group was reluctant to spend that much for coffee, I was the most jubilant since my coupon will be showered with stickers. So although the cafe is some hundred meters away from the grill, I was so excited about the stickers that I enjoyed being insensitive with the feelings of this majority for the first time.

The cafe was unusually deserted when we entered. I was ahead of them and was looking for a good seat when I noticed that these creatures at my back was silent and some were whispering my name to get my attention. I looked up and cheered. I saw a couple of our high school friends sitting in front of the place that I was about to get. The rest of their group are not familiar to me, so I thought they were their college friends. To my surprise, one of those college friend got up, turned around to face my direction, bowed his head, almost running as he went out of the cafe, walked a little farther, and had some smoke. It was my first boyfriend. It has been five years since we graduated. It has been five years since the last time I saw him. Gosh, he looks old.

It was a benefit on that very moment that I smoke. My friends got a good reason to leave the place and sit outside instead. I was at the counter when he came back and shyly approached me. I smiled at him to show my recognition.

"Hi Joyce, kumusta?"

"Hey! Okay lang naman ako. Ikaw?"

"Okay naman. Saan ka ngayon?"

"Sa Global City work ko ngayon."

("Okay" is the most harassed word in this planet.)

He extended his hand, stroke my hair, and went down to hold my waist.

What the hell is this? In remembrance of our good old days? Correct me if I'm wrong, but we never even had the closest gesture of affection six years ago.

So as for me, I turned to the counter and ignore him.

I knew he got my message. He said bye and went back to his seat.

From the time I give the coffees to my friends, several awkward minutes of silence passed through us. They were all looking at me to get the assurance I'm alright. After all, it took me three years to recover from him. I'm cool, I told them. And in reality, I am. More than being surprised on seeing him, I was surprise to ask myself on how I fell in love with this person.

In the middle of the group's conversation, my ex's group left the cafe and passed through us for a chat. A funny yet implied group coordination occurred. All of us talked to almost everyone from their group except him. Not really to show vindication, I guess. Our issue went old and died itself a long time ago. It's just that nobody from the group find it significant to talk to him.

But as before, he has this unexplainable guts to intrude all the chats simultaneously happening just to approach me, tickle my waist, and blurt a tease:

"Ang payat mo na ngayon ah!"

"Oo nga eh."

I gave another smile, then turned my back again.

In all honesty, that's all I can say. I wondered why a "thank you" phrase did not even bother to enter my mind.

Isn't that you stopped loving me at the moment I started to love you then, just because I went a lot fatter from the first day you courted me?

Rewinding those instances leaves me laughing at this very moment. I swore to myself soon after we graduated then that the next time I'll see this guy, I will make sure that he will realize like hell that I am such a big loss for him. But yesterday night, I saw a stranger without feeling any need to let him feel it's payback time. And I guess what happened is the best way for us to encounter after all these years.

It could have been a sweeter love story for us if my fatness was not a serious issue for him.

Shit Happens

Some unexpected things are happening but with reasons I am partly responsible. Moments spin as I helplessly watch. My future obscures to give way to someone I cannot even learn to love. I am shamelessly pointing all my fingers at him, while concealing my sick dependence to her, who in turn is sick of being depended upon all her life.

How can I love someone who is not even willing to compromise our differences?

*****

I used to think I can control my future and that surrendering to fate is a matter of scapegoat for lazy creatures. It never occurred to me the possibility of a dead end at this very circumstance. I am being judged by people who do not even care to watch. I am being watched by people who do not have the power to judge.

And for some reason I have yet to figure out, I cannot feel anything anymore.

It could have been from the weariness of living or from numbness on everything.

June 5th

Those born on June 5 are often amazed when others don't understand them. In their own ears, their language is plain and simple, based on fact, pragmatic. Yet their ideas can be intricate, involved and occasionally out of touch with reality; their listeners may manage to follow their train of thought yet fail to ultimately grasp the meaning or intention behind it. Some June 5 people put far too much emphasis on developing ideas and systems of thought, and too little on the natural facts of everyday life.

It is true that many June 5 people seem to live their own world. Yet so important is communication to them that they will be greatly frustrated if misunderstood. Successful people born on this day learn to raise their aggrevation threshold, and at the same time allow people the time and space to take in what they say. Less evolved June 5 people come on in a rush, expecting others to anticipate the next thought of what could only be called an interior monologue. Instead of just vocalizing what's on their mind, they have to learn to chew over ideas and deliver them in a leisurely and measured fashion. For example, instead of using a dozen arguments to support a position, delivering one convincing argument may be far more effective.

As they mature, most June 5 people become more constrained, more measured and thoughtful. If they can get a handle on their energy, then their systematic ways will order their lives as well. If not, then chaos will reign. Those born on this day should never lose their enthusiasm, but simply learn to curb it a bit and accept disappointments and setbacks with steadfastness and composure.

June 5 people have strongly compulsive side that urges them to get things right. Some women born on this day are taken for flakes early in life, but can develop into super-capable people, proving their detractors wrong. Many June 5 people are prone to worry unless every last detail and eventuality is prepared for. "What if?" is a question they constantly ask themselves and others. This worry usually springs from fear that they will be severely criticized for making errors or made to look foolish. If they can lighten up a bit, and occasionally laugh at themselves, they will be happier and healthier.

Most June 5 people are highly competitive and like to win. Though not perfectionists by nature, some born on this day wind up mercilessly driving themselves in that direction, thinking such attitude will help them succeed. Often their own worst enemy, they create difficulties for themselves and others which do not exist. Mental conflicts particularly attract them, but it is more often physical challenges which they must overcome. Anxieties can be avoided by finding satisfaction in activities which balance both mind and body.

Those born on this day must control their impulsive nature, a side of their personality that enhances their attractiveness but can drive others to distraction it brings on trouble. On the good side, the hard knocks that those ruled by the number 5 receive fom life typically will have little lasting effect on them; they recover quickly.

Those born on this day also tend to go heavy on caffeine, nicotine or alcohol when they are so inclined, and should try to moderate their habit or quit altogether.

A Bitter Visit

I happen to take a visit at the school's website, and I never thought that what I'll see will entertain me a great deal:

AB in Political Science

"This Program concentrates on the theory and practice of government and
politics. It has two broad purposes: first to provide an excellent
liberal education in Political Science; and second, to prepare the
student for a professional career in government service or for careers dealing
with public issues and problems.The curriculum is designed to expose the students to a variety of course work and activities which will provide a broad understanding of the curriculum. dealing with public issues and problems. The curriculum is designed to expose the students to a variety of course work and activities which will provide a broad understanding of the curriculum. "

Okay. At the outset, I must admit that course descriptions are necessarily created out of motherhood statements.

first to provide an excellent liberal education in Political Science;

Oh well, what is "excellent liberal education in Political Science"? I can never be more curious of knowing what it is and how it was inculcated. I could have been happier if that liberal education is indoctrinated, at least I had become aware of its existence in the curriculum. After 4 years of sleepless nights from reading volumes of photocopied materials, denial of conducting seminars lectured by "liberal" and "radical" people, continuous psy-wars and bullying of polsci professors (majority claim to be all-knowing in the field) who are by the way unprofessional of being bullies and unreasonable of unabashedly throwing psy-wars to students just to make us "change for the better", I find the course description of the degree I earned as incredulously funny. Liberal education is already aborted inside the classroom.

and second, to prepare the student for a professional career in government service or for careers dealing with public issues and problems

For the record, there are only two subjects that are in touch in dealing with professional career in government service: public administration and planning methods; and three subjects related with public issues and problems: conflict resolution, environmental politics, and political dynamics. And except for the latter, all of which are fourth year subjects. Well, it is better late than never. But despite of being privileged to learn these things, I can dare you to ask any polsci students whether they are willing to have "a professional career in government service". I doubt if they are less disillusioned in government systems and public service than the vendors in Asturias. Thanks for the curriculum by the way for convincing us that this "damaged" society is already incurable.

As for the last two sentences, can someone refute me by saying that they are not redundant or tautological?

I suddenly thought of the increased fee for this school year that my parents are supposed to pay in installment basis in case I am a year younger than my age: P34,921.05, ranking second as the most expensive major in the entire AB (let me give credit to CA). With lesser (and less-interested) professors and the good-ol' curriculum, I could have voluntarily stopped schooling out of distaste. Something is really wrong - or should I say, everything seems to be wrong in Political Science of the Social Science Department.

Oh, speaking of being part of the "Social Science Department", I am also very fortunate to experience working and defending a qualitative thesis of about three hundred pages without being read by neither the adviser nor the panelists. We were lamenting then where does Karl Popper's "conjectures and refutations" go.

What have I learned after four years in polsci? It is the exemplification of one of life's most bitter cliches: Life is unfair.

By the way, for those people interested in law like me, polsci is a good pre-law for it teaches you in a hard way that justice is arbitrary.

Too bad, they could have just written my little polsci lessons as the course description.

Kamanhiran

Labingwalong oras na ang nakalilipas nang pumila ako ng isang oras para maghintay ng sasakyan pauwi. Ito ang nagpahintulot sa akin na paliparin ang aking isipan upang masilip ang mga maaring mangyari sa mga susunod pang araw.

Pagkatapos ng walong buwan ng pag-iisip at pagkalito, ano na? Wala pa rin akong sagot; hindi ko pa rin alam ang dapat kong gawin sa iyo; hindi ko pa rin alam kung sino ka, kung sino ka sa akin, kung sino ako sa iyo, at kung sapat at mahalaga pa bang itanong sa aking sarili ang mga bagay na ito. Maaring nabiyayaan ako ng sapat na panahon para makiramdam at makapagbigay-kasagutan sa mga tanong na ito, ngunit sa huli, napagtanto ko na nilustay ko lamang ang walong buwan sapagkat ako ay naging manhid at nabigo (o maaring tinamad) na patahimikin ang aking sarili.

At maaring wala ng pagkakataon sa hinaharap para matugunan ko ang mga kalituhang ito sa aking sarili. Hindi ko pa rin maitatanggi na nananatiling maluwag ang pagkapit natin sa kamay ng isa't isa. Maaring sa isang iglap, wala ka na... o wala na ako; at sa pagkakataong iyon, pagsisihan ko ang bawat minutong winaglit ko sa pagbibigay-halaga sa kahalagahan natin sa isa't isa.

Kapag ba natitigan ko na ang iyong mga mata, mangangahulugan kaya na mas magiging tapat ka sa iyong mga mararamdaman, kaysa ngayong pinapagitnaan tayo ng pagkakataon?

Kapag ba naramdaman mo ang mahigpit kong yakap, mangangahulugan kaya na hindi ka lalayo sa aking piling, kaysa ngayon kung saan ang mga salita mo lamang ang nagbibigay sa akin ng ganoong pag-asa?

Hindi kaya ang paglapit mo sa akin ang siya mo namang paglayo sa aking piling?

Hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman sa mga nakakagulat mong tugon nang malaman mo ang aking pagkatao, ni hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman sa mga nakalulungkot na bagay na iyong pinagtapat.

Hindi ko pa rin alam kung karapatdapat kang pagkatiwalaan at kung talagang pinagkakatiwalaan mo ako.

Hindi ko man lamang inaalam kung kailan ako nagiging sanhi ng iyong kalungkutan at pagkamuhi.

At kung mayroon mang isang bagay na alam ko, iyon ay ang makuntento sa hindi paghanap ng kasagutan.

Acclamation

I am void.
A reflection without a body
A bodiless soul
A soul living in an empty space
A space encapsulated in a glass
A glass deprived to reflect.

I am an accident.
A dot trapped in multiple intersections
An intersection with no favorite direction
A direction without a path.
A path that is never taken.

I am stale.

An eerie sound unheard
A sound stereotypically listened.

An indolent competitor
An unrequited stalker.

I smile to kill.
I frigidly forgive.
Amorally numb.

I am nonchalantly independent.

It was 1999

We were careless, we were small
We thought it was love for nothing at all.

You had forgotten how we were
You loved another and laughed at me.

I had thrown your silver bracelet,
Erased the tatoo of your name
Had watched you ruined
And never cared.

We have forgotten
When was the last time we held

It was 1999.

Running for seven years
Worlds are beginning to collide
But to quickly fall apart.

We were careless, we are strangers.
We had forgotten what was left
For 1999.

I'll be there

When you wake up each morning and you feel like calling, I'll be there for you.
When the road is uncertain and you can't stop the hurting, I'll be there for you.
When there's no one beside you I'll be there to guide you, catch you each time you fall.
When the stars don't shine anymore, I'll be there.

When the road is unkind and your dreams they need more time, I'll be there for you.
If the rules they keep breaking and the future is fading, I'll be there for you.

The rainbow will end in the palm of your hand, don't ever let it go.
When the stars don't shine anymore, I'll be there.

Who knows where we'll go, what will tomorrow bring?
But we have each other, just hold on tight.
We can take to the skies and fly.

Requirements

Is it really important to be in the debt of gratitude to your parents after they had financed you from your sixteen years of education? Do you really have to give them your earnings as soon as you have your job in spite of receiving break-even pay?

My answer is no. It is their choice, more than the obligation, to educate you until you mature. In the entire course of being a student, were you given a choice by your mom and dad between studying and loitering in this crazy world for your entire life? Absolutely not, your parents decided for you, thinking that getting a degree is the best for you. Whether or not you enjoyed being educated for almost half of your life is beside the point. If you are under a corporate world, I would understand that you will be financially indebted with your superior or provider until you repay them with the same amount with the corresponding interest, in addition to currency adjustments. But on the first place, you are not. Your existence in this world started by belonging to a "family". A family that is 'ought' to be borne out of 'love' ; to underscore, 'unconditional love'. Money is not the primary factor that binds you together, but 'love'. You are not 'transacting' with them all your life like they are a banking institution or as if you are under a professional relation.

Customs will tell you that your parents have finished their mission as parents once you graduated and to the very extent, acquire a job of your choice. Therefore, they must not interfere anymore of your subsequent choices because you already know what you are doing. To note, we recognize being in 7 years of age as 'age of reason', while celebrating 18th or 21st birthday because the sibling is already an 'adult' and is by all means capable of having lives of their own.

When your parents decided to make love and create you in this world, is their reason from the outset is to raise the child with a decent education so that the child, after getting a job, will repay all their expenses to them? If they truly love their child, they will not let him exist just to pay debts to them in the end. They create the child out of love from each other, and the child must be loved in return. And unconditionally love the child, just the way he is (so that he will not be compelled to pretend to be another person) and regardless of the opposing choices he makes when he acquires his own reason. Now, whether or not the child will love them back, in my view, largely depends on how they love their child. Even the 4th Commandment in the Roman Catholic discipline spells "Honor your mother and your father". Given that each word in the 10 Commandments are well thought of by its Author, He must have the reason why He used the verb "honor" and not "love". Our parents are our first superiors, and may be the constant superiors for as long as we breathe, so honoring them for that matter is justifiable.

In this situation, I believe that love is, more than anything, a mere effect. Whether or not honoring your parents transcend into loving them is a mere effect - an effect, which is, again, largely caused or influenced by how much they love you. And if that love triggered your so-called conscience to feel the urgency of sharing your salary with them, no matter how meager it is, well then, it is completely fine. Repaying them literally must not be perceived as a norm. In addition, repaying them is not necessarily a form of love. A sibling can literally overwhelm them with money but wouldn't actually give a damn. A sibling can be greedy like hell but still care for them anyway in the end.

And parents, in return must not be offended or carry a serious grudge at their offsprings, nor curse them for being 'ingrata'. I believe that human beings are receptors of stimuli externally residing in their realm, and at the same time, execute their own force in order to be responded by another body in return. Human relationship is a cause-effect transaction. Whether the reaction is indifference or love is something that must be inevitably accepted by the affected party in the end.

Mourning

Twenty-four hours ago, I was standing in front of a blue coffin, feeling indifferent from the implications of his death. I had seen him before, had smiled at him, uttered a word or two, talked about him with his daughter several times, and that was it. Numbness, not indifference, perhaps. Yet it could simply be my form of defense: being in the state of denial. But in the end it was unexplainable. Part of me anticipated that his long battle will end tragically; part of me is anxious what will happen next (despite having totally no control of it); and part of me is fancying to be in her shoes. She has been lamenting and sleepless and physically malnourished for days.

Taking her place, I may have responded in a very different way. The best I can do (taking from the moralists' eyes) is to be speechless and respect the spirit of death. The worse I can do (again, taking from the moralists' eyes) is to shrug and be happy for my father, since I can assume that he's already with his object of worship.

He was loved and he loved. But he was prepared, and they would never be. Under a cloudy day wrapped in an eerie space, attended solely by loved ones who are not even whispering intrigues, that humble moment is the most solemn internment I have been into. No requiems nor eulogies yet. Just silent prayers of hope that after life exists so he may receive the eternal peace he deserves.

I even smelled his celebration, his achievement of being the pillar of the family, although they are barely beginning their lives. He still missed spurs of the moment. He will never walk with his eldest down the aisle; he failed to witness his son's first born; he will no longer see his youngest bloom in her youth. I could never say he is the perfect father, but despite his imperfections, I can feel his openness and his humble recognition of his mistakes. He must have been very sincere in saying sorry.

At that moment, something is haunting me at the back of my mind. Is my father the next in line? Am I actually foreseeing it or simply anticipating it? He has been emotional since discovering his complex sickness and was further brought down upon hearing another father's death. His battle may compel him to surrender, despite being stubborn to what he wants all his life and despite his self-acclaimed strong faith. Because albeit his love of abstractions, his feet refuses to touch the ground. He is not with us, and it sadly obscures his importance to his 'loved' ones.

Seeing Through

Look at me in the microscope and see how I am covered with bacteria. Look at how I do not dare to move away from these parasites. I am a lazy and coward specimen waiting to die from infection. Do you enjoy this festive sight? Maybe you do, for you wouldn't care to zoom those lenses further if you're not entertained.

Do you know I'm staring at you too? I can see the blackness of your pupil as it reflects my gruesome body. Sadly, I cannot see you through, even just a little beyond that part of your corporal body.

I've been wanting to witness a tear or two and see how your eyes will be dampened and blinded by despair. I've been wanting to obscure your sight so you won't dissect me with your stern eyes again. I am hoping to see how your sad eyes will look like when they are unconcealed by those glasses. I have been wanting to know you.

Milky Way

I mark this day as the second instance in my entire life that I received a cholocate: now, from another interesting person who has been so kind, intelligent, and intimidating all at the same time to me.

For quite some time, I haven't seen a Milky Way chocolate. I recongnize this entity as one of the sweetest chocolate ever submerged in my mouth. I used to compare this with Mars more than ten years ago. And this sweet nothing always ends up as a looser, moreover inferior from among any chocolate genre, especially Galaxy.

My reflexes are supposed to push me to undress this litttle chocolate sitting in the keyboard, carress its smooth brown figure, smell the cocoa spirit until my mouth waters like hell, and eat it without any regret. But this may be the first chocolate that I wouldn't care to eat nor dare to unwrap. I'll lament its inexistence, and be further saddened at the idea of having its remains folded and inserted in my old wallet, together with that sweet professional handwritten note written a couple of months ago from the same person who aimlessly threw this Milky Way to me. I don't want this to be a part of my congested memory. Don't die and simply allow me to forget you.

Reality sucks, for inevitably I have to smash this one until it disappears. But not now, not this day. Maybe not even tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow its value will be gone. It will be just another chocolate roaming around my desk. Maybe I'll think about it before I sleep. But for now, let me be saturated on looking at your jolly wrapper and wonder what are you thinking.