Tuyot

Narito ako sa pambihirang pagkakataon na hindi ko na kayang magsulat. Naiwanan ko na ang ako dalawang taon na ang nakalilipas na aroganteng tumutupa ng makinilya nang walang tigil hanggang sa mairaos ang mga sumasabog na konsepto sa aking kaisipan. Nawala na ang bisa ng sigarilyo na kapag hinithit ko ay lilitaw ang mga mabibisang argumento na maisasalathala ko. Naibaon ko na rin sa limot ang mga magagaling na manunulat na nagtaguyod ng mga makasaysayang teorya na maaring makapagbigay-liwanag sa magulong realidad ng ating lipunan. Hindi na ako maka-Ingles ng diretso. Natuyo na ako at hindi ko na kayang tumayo.

Lumalabo na ang aking mga mata. O kaya'y nabubulag na ako. Ang mga salita ay para na lamang isang lipunan sa ilalim ng anarkiya. Walang disiplina. Walang patutunguhan. Walang saysay ang pagkabuhay. Wala na akong maintindihan sa aking sinisulat at sa aking mga biniburang pangungusap. Wala na akong pagmamahal sa mga sulating ako ang may akda. Kinahihiya ko na pati ang mga salitang lalabas pa lamang sa aking isipan.

Nawawala na ang aking yabang. Nawawala na rin ang aking mga pangarap.

Squared

Perhaps there still remains an idealist side of me...

A usual office morning, he wast circling at the non-legal staff area to gather his thoughts in response to a client's query; starting from my desk, ending at my desk.

"Is ma'am there?"

"Not yet, sir."

He leaned closer at me and gave a naughty whisper:

"You know what, when we were on our way to the office from a meeting yesterday at Makati, we talked about you. I asked her why you were chosen and she told me everything, including what she thinks about you. Do you already knew why you were chosen?"

"Not exactly. Why?"

"Do you think I'll just tell it just like that? You have to do something for me in return. Hehe."

"Huh? Ah okay sir, keep it to yourself then!"

A week later, he was blabbing to me how sipsip I am to my boss: how I defend her from her primadonna actions, how I do everything from her and how I unreasonably love her. Apparently, that's how he's telling me I got promoted.

Redundant as it is, this corporate world is just too happy working within a little box.

I know that it's just not him, but the entire department is talking about my politicking.

When I am the last non-legal staff to leave the office at 8pm uncompensated, am I exercising a sheer martyrdom just to acquire a goody-two-shoes impression to my boss? When I tolerate her extra-legal/power-tripping tendencies, am I being blind to the devil in her? When she apparently in pain of her poverty for just having a million-dollar savings, am I being a hypocrite to sympathize her?

First, I am not a believer that a labor must be equalized with a monetary value. It is not always about exploiting a laborer. It is about a laborer learning more than earning.

Second, exercising power is better done explicitly especially against unprofessional people around the workplace who are by all means suffering insecurity from where you are.

Third, it is better to complain the world how poor you are and still have cash at the back of your hand than to brag about the things you brought piled up in your credit line.

So much for their well-kept morality.

Grow

Two weeks ago, after a heaved sigh of nicotine, I pensively looked at her and said:

"Ma'am, what do you suggest? Should I pursue the position or not? If you suggest to me not to pursue it, it will really be okay. I will understand."

Her thoughts are far beyond her computer screen, then a bitter smile managed to get out of her tired face.

"Of course, if you will ask me and I got selfish, I want you to be my secretary. But I cannot be a hinder in the name of progress. After all, it's for your career advancement."

She crossed her arms, leaned on the lawyer's chair, and looked at my eyes.

"Kayo?"

"Ikaw?"

"Kayo po?"

"Hindi, ikaw?"

"Eh...!"

I have never thought that leaving from her grasp will be emotionally exhausting.

"Pag-isipan mo. After all, if you got accepted, you'll still be under me." She tried to laugh and refocus her attention to her wide screen.

***********

One week ago, one and a half hour after the office period expired, she asked me to go to her room and asked some last few errands.

"Joyce, can you find out tomorrow how much the rate is? And here's the engagement letter, can you please scan this?"

"Yes ma'am."

It was a normal office day and I was already at the phase of accepting her rejection to my proposal to leave her side.

"And... Joyce?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I chose you ha, so you have to be trained by Tess. And at the same time, promise me you'll train your replacement for me ha?"

I could not even manage to smile upon hearing the good news.

"Ma'am, that is so sad."

"Yeah, that is so sad... Ano ka ba? It's for your career advancement naman, di ba?"

*******************

Then I realized... I did not mean to end up looking at her as my mom, but I do.