Forgiveness

For the persons who refused to know me.For you who never listens to anyone but yourself. When I was still vain from innocence and you were still a father with firm decisions, I used to see you as a figure that rests in the intellectual pedestal. When I was in the formative years of maturity, your presence was a sign of fear and a threat to my happiness. Your persistence to exercise your patriarchal position forced me to fabricate a daughter who you want to see. I thought this compromise can last forever until we both become stubborn and struggle to be free from being the persons they know. I will not bend for your forgiveness for being an insensitive daughter. But I have to forgive everything you have done and all the things you are about to do to me so I can escape from this guilt that your patriarchal system has created in me.

For the love that died from your selfishness. Beyond your knowledge, I am doing this to free myself. Perhaps I am more eager to see you again because of the anxiety to forgive you finally. In spite of all the means you had done that brought me down, which almost destroyed myself, I look forward for the day when I can completely convince myself that I have forgiven you. Weeks before, you made me expect that this would finally happen. But I should have known that you have never changed: you still make hasty decisions out of the spur of the moment then quickly retreat when your action submerge into your senses, while being insensitive of its effect to the people around you. Yet what you did made me realize that I don’t need your presence just to forgive you. What I need to do is to stop playing the events when you refused too see how much I loved you.

Sad Surrenders

We spent most of the holy week in the hospital looking for our dad whose body gave up from his stubborn mind. I anticipated that moment to happen days before. I was even wishing this incident would happen to give him a serious realization that he must know how to listen. When he was rushed to the hospital from the cold sidewalk of Antipolo where he lost his consciousness, nobody was bewildered among us but my mom. The rest of us silently facilitated both of them on the way to the nearest hospital. It was the worst breakdown I've seen from my dad, yet I know, knowing his mind-over-matter stubborn personality that he would survive as before. Hours later, he was stable enough to be transferred to his doctor's hospital.

I could not understand until now how I took the situation. What is clear is that I did not feel any hatred from his stuborness. Somehow, I've lived through it, despite relative resistance from over twenty years of my life. Now, his world is getting smaller due to the numerous restrictions he has to comply. As of me, I'm gradually accepting the fact that I cannot afford to live a life of my own as long as my dad is frail... which appears to be for as long as he lives. Maybe this readiness of waiving my 'freedom' hasn't still submerged to my senses. But it seems that nobody is willing to watch over my parents but me. Both of my siblings are having their own lives before my dad started to deteriorate. I was about to have mine, but it is now slowly being aborted because of this situation.

When I was embracing my mom who was drowned with tears from fear, I know that from then on, I will always have to be strong for her because she refuses to rely from anyone's strength but mine. As for me, I must always find a way to be strong out of myself and forget my vulnerabilities. At this note, I envy my siblings who have the freedom to show their fears to their loved ones anytime they wanted to be.

Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real, I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show, you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.