Sad Surrenders

We spent most of the holy week in the hospital looking for our dad whose body gave up from his stubborn mind. I anticipated that moment to happen days before. I was even wishing this incident would happen to give him a serious realization that he must know how to listen. When he was rushed to the hospital from the cold sidewalk of Antipolo where he lost his consciousness, nobody was bewildered among us but my mom. The rest of us silently facilitated both of them on the way to the nearest hospital. It was the worst breakdown I've seen from my dad, yet I know, knowing his mind-over-matter stubborn personality that he would survive as before. Hours later, he was stable enough to be transferred to his doctor's hospital.

I could not understand until now how I took the situation. What is clear is that I did not feel any hatred from his stuborness. Somehow, I've lived through it, despite relative resistance from over twenty years of my life. Now, his world is getting smaller due to the numerous restrictions he has to comply. As of me, I'm gradually accepting the fact that I cannot afford to live a life of my own as long as my dad is frail... which appears to be for as long as he lives. Maybe this readiness of waiving my 'freedom' hasn't still submerged to my senses. But it seems that nobody is willing to watch over my parents but me. Both of my siblings are having their own lives before my dad started to deteriorate. I was about to have mine, but it is now slowly being aborted because of this situation.

When I was embracing my mom who was drowned with tears from fear, I know that from then on, I will always have to be strong for her because she refuses to rely from anyone's strength but mine. As for me, I must always find a way to be strong out of myself and forget my vulnerabilities. At this note, I envy my siblings who have the freedom to show their fears to their loved ones anytime they wanted to be.