Divestment

He's back and he wants me back.

Men, especially those in authority, do not easily pull out investments... first, they would deny making unwise decisions in the past... second, they would refuse to believe they invested for nothing.

I told him, I don't see why we should.

"You're hurting me."

I don't think so. Your ego might be hurting you.

I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind.

Try divesting your attention to someone worthy.

- better yet, profitable.

Do a spin-off: I know you've done it before.

Ysis

His little angel.

The last time I saw him was a year ago, and he was telling me that they broke up. After three serious relationships, it must have been appalling for him to hear that single recurring break-up reason: parents do not like him.

They can't be blamed though. He is a rebellious son since sixteen. Five years ago, all I saw in him was angst culled from his crumbling relationship with his sister and his mom. Last year, I still saw that fire in his eyes when I asked him when was the last time he visited Muntinlupa. Not that he hasn't changed since the first time I saw him. Actually, he even surprised me when he began mentioning God and his new prayer habit. I told him, it's very nice to see him mellow down. He said, he's not getting any younger and he feels like settling down very soon.

And he did. I saw Ysis and I eventually recognize that her eyes is his. There you go. I then realize that he is keeping Ysis' existence from me until now. Maybe he was supposed to tell me about her last year, until I suddenly avoided him (again).

Well, that is because after a series of meeting him, I already saw where things are leading to again. I didn't want him to ask me back like how he did many times before. I couldn't bring him back to me. I didn't know where I hid my love for him, but it appears I hid it well that I couldn't find it anymore. So I disappeared, thinking it will be a wiser decision for the both of us.

It was only when Ysis looked at her shoulder when I realize who her mom is. I saw her before on pictures. She is responsible for bringing him back to life after what happened to us.

It took me more than a moment before finally accepting what I saw. After giving them a long, unnoticed stare, I found myself wishing him happiness, like I never did for a very long time.

Detour

It will happen very soon. Maybe before the end of the year. This discontent is dismantling my spirit that I badly need to give my life an overhaul . And this could take a lot of courage to push through. Maybe I have to close my eyes when taking this huge backseat. It could be because I might regret this detour, for honestly, I still don’t know where to go. Moreover, I am still unsure if I can be ready to turn my back on everything I've already established. But there is something inside me that keeps on burning and it seems it will only cease to eat my soul once I started moving on. Towards where? How? I don't know. Maybe I will never know.

These past couple of years have given me unbelievable rise of career. Many people have been envious of what I've become. I have even inspired people to get off from slumber and start searching from themselves. But at the end of the day, I realize that I'm going nowhere like everybody else. That although not indulging into sleep, I have been fighting against my wanting to rest by pressuring myself to structure a senseless direction that I can't live with. I had desperately wanted to lead the career race at this early stage and I have scored beyond expectations. Thus, I managed to destroy few monsters of social dictates that have been trying to haunt me since the first time I obtained my first place. But being ahead of this so-called competition is not helping me feel like a true winner. In every step of the race, I have become even more doubtful on where I'm going. I have began to wonder if there are peripheral paths less traveled along the way where I can find myself.

I seriously have to conquer my fear of being left behind. I need to gather strength to believe in happy endings again. I have been emotionally fragile for many years now and I have my own reasons for being so. Before I knew it, I have developed this protective shell that kept me from recognizing other people's affection. However, these past few days have made me realize that I should stop bitching around my wounds. Move on, Joyce, before you start killing yourself from loneliness. My best friend tells me that I am even too cold and aloof to be even invited for a movie. Am I? What can I do, this ego is helping me survive the daily harshness of reality. Although lately, my ego has been exposing my sensitivities that I have either become too snappy or too defiant on almost everything. Now I'm getting tired of protecting myself that I am starting to be willing to fall again. Fall with whom? Your guess is as good as mine.